There are times lately when I am feeling better with my depression,then times I feel down. I am wondering if I am just starting to accept the fact that my entire life will be lackluster and I should just accept what I have. I'm tired of this routine....stay up all night, wake up, go to work, come home, stay up all night, sleep. Nothing is new, everything is predictable. Life is much more boring now that I have absolutely no friends or any relationships. I have that date offer still open for Sunday. I am going to meet him, but I am sure he will be a creep like all the other guys I've dated. Perhaps if he abducts me, maybe it will be for the best. I mean....I don't enjoy life as it is anyways, right? Yes....I'm just being babyish, but sometimes I honestly feel as though the end of this boredom would do me some good.

Lately my eldest brother has been on my mind. I never see him, and he can be a selfish ass who never wants to come around. I really wonder if his situation makes him not want to come around, or if he's truly that selfish. He came out to me a year ago now that he is gay. You'd think at 33 years of age, he would have told my parents. He's still hiding it. I worry that this secret is really ruining his life, or he just doesn't give a damn about me and my parents so doesn't come around. My 21st birthday is coming up in October, so he says he will finally get to see me more. Everything revolves around drinking with him, and that irritates me. What's worse, is that I am becoming the same way! I am escaping life's dredgery by indulging in the bottle all the time. I got hammered last night, and I am in the process of doing it right now! I'm actually teary eyed from alcohol induced saddness. And even though it makes me feel this way....it still makes me feel better. I can't cry without it. I'ts like my tear ducts won't work. But when I have a few beers in me, the emtions just pour out, literally.

I hate that my parents have to be so narrow-minded that they view someone who lusts over their sex as a freak. Even if they view it as a flaw, is that one flaw enought to make you hate someone? This is entirely small minded!

Another worry of mine is my mom. We don't get along. It's partially my fault because I'll admit that I can be a real bitch to deal with. But she has some faults too....she's too invasive. My ex, whom I haven't seen since May, has been communicating her through text messages. She claimed that he texted her first, but i know she's lying. She tries so fucking hard to get us back together, even though I have told her countless times I hate the bastard and just DON'T LIKE HIM. She has this "hope" of us getting back together. I don't want to date someone with Aspergers ever again. It's not his fault, but his social skills suck and he can't love like a neurotypical person can. I think even if he didn't have Aspergers,he's be a total loser still. He thinks he's smart but makes comments that are so damn stupid it made me ashamed to admit I was dating him. My brothers and friends hated him, my parents were too naive to understand. And when I find the child pornography on his computer...that was just disgusting. My brothers and I are smart enough to realize that's a BAD thing and it's illegal and gross, yet my parents say  that him looking at naked kids doesn't always mean he's a pedophile. This is ridiculous of them, and it makes me not respect them at all. Sometimes I think they are too stubborn to believe it. But I saw it....little girls between the ages of 8-12 naked or near naked on his computer. He looked at images of nonconsenting kids on his computer, and that's just sick. I still feel like I should call the cops on him. Fucking sicko.

I can't attract normal men. That's why I am pessimistic about my date on Sunday. I will likely get abducted. Oh well.

Some dude in my general area randomly started to message me on myspace and flirt with me. I was really shocked, since my ugliness seems to repel men rather than attract them.
Like at work....they are remodeling the whole store. Lots of young construction guys are there. A couple of my female coworkers are getting hit by some of the cute ones. As expected, I'm not being hit on.

I know my issue is my weight. I'm such a fat fuck that it's enough to just terrify most men. I need to lose 50 to 60 pounds to be at the weight my doctor recommended to me, and even then I'll be bigger than a lot of guys because I am tall and large framed. Though my build allows me to carry my weight better, I really envy smaller girls because their petite bodies are so much cuter, and they seem more fem.

My mom nags me everyday about being overweight. Sometimes I think she's more worried about it than I am. I can go through times when I just don't give a damn about losing weight nor having a boyfriend, yet my mom is the one who must bring it up. Every damn day. It's like...whenever she seems me eat anything, she gets mad. She's not one to talk....she's been dieting the entire time I've been alive. I am sure he weight makes it hard, but she has weight issues herself. She should undersand why it's hard, yet she acts like it's so easy. I love to eat....I can't help it. I wish I could go back to last summer when I lost 30 pounds. Damn, those were happy days.

So this guy who asked me out is just two years old than I.....and of course, I'm freaked out over this. I know I should listen to the alarm bells in my head, yet I hate to throw an opportunity out the window when this guy may actually be decent and someone I may like.  I have learned from past mistakes what I should and shouldn't do. Though I am sure in the long run, it will end up being negative. It almost always is.

My stupid ex loser has been texting me too....and texting my mom. She tried hard to get us back together, but I really don't like the guy. Thank goodness she finally is listening to me now. I don't know why she wants me to be with someone I can't stand. I've gotten to the point where looking at a picture of him makes me nauseous. I'm afraid that whenever I meet new guys, they'll perceive me the same way later on. I feel as though I can be that revolting.

I wish I was pretty.

Something I've been really wanting to do these last few months is get some new piercings. So far I only have a few on my ears, my favorite being my prized Industrial.

The thing that stops me is work. Almost every place in retail won't allow it. I've been looking for a better paying job recently anyways, and just to go to someplace that's new and refreshing. I don't mind staying in retail at all. You get to meet lots of different people and it stays relatively interesting. Though one thing I don't like is how many retailers pay you low wages to sometimes degrade yourself for the customers sake. A coworker of mine tends to get hit with a bunch of assholes. She's been cussed out, been called racist even though she's not, and has had customers tried to get her fired. You really don't get paid enough to put up with that....and that's one reason I believe I need to leave this job. I've had my fair share of asses come to my register. I love it when customers get angry at you whenever something is out of stock, or we don't carry something in the store. I myself do not represent the company....don't shoot the messenger.

It's also silly that they won't allow their employees to wear their piercings. To even get one done, you need to leave the jewelry in for at least six weeks, so I can't do it at all right now.
Not everyone likes them, granted. Though I feel that someone has issues if they walk into a store, see someone with piercings, and never shop there again because of it. It doesn't matter if that worker is a very nice person - their shallowness causes them to perceive that person as negative just because of some facial jewelry.
Don' t like the piercings? Don't get one. Just because someone near you has one on doesn't mean they are implying that you should embrace it.

I also find it ironic how Wal-Mart sells nose studs, yet they won't allow you to get one.

I'd love a nose ring, and maybe an eyebrow piercing. Snakebites look awesome too....though I don't think I'm that bold. They probably wouldn't look good on me.

I know the humane society in my area is looking for someone. I'd love to work there, though I'd only be getting 30 hours a week. I want more hours than that. And I'm not sure if they would pay as well. Though I do think it would be a far more enjoyable job than Wally World. I also wonder if they would allow piercings....

I'm getting ready to go into work for an 8 hour day. I"m really tired because I only slept about 5 hours due to bad menstrual pains. My last few nights have been tiresome because the pain keeps waking me up. It's going to be a horrendous shift, but at least I'll sleep well tonight if I'm not in as much pain. I really hope it's better by tonight.....

I really wish tomorrow night was here. I'm off Sunday, and hopefully I'll be able to have a few drinks Saturday night. It makes me feel eons better. I wish I could do it every night. This is bad. I really need to lay off. Too bad the Cymbalta is sucking. I just don't feel like going back to the doctor again. He's trying hard to get me to stop drinking. At least he cares, but right now my priorities are screwed.

I read a quote one time that said those who strive for maturity are actually the ones who are most immature.
If that is true, then all my attempts have been in vain and have backfired.

I've always tried to have mature standpoints, but perhaps it was like a six year-old trying to act like a 'grown up'.

But I know what I am about to bitch about is immature. I won't lie about it.

The topic of today is family. They are supposed to be the ones who care for you. But sometimes I want to take this concern and shove it back at them. Namely, when I feel my maturity and independence has been subtly pryed.

To my two older brothers, I'm still just the baby sister. This will never change, or so I've heard. They know I have issues, namely with being depressed and having no life or friends.
They offer to let me come hang out with them and be friends with their friends.
I don't want to think I am such a worthless loser that I must go to my siblings to make friends because I'm not interesting or bold enough to make them on my own. I want my own group. His friends will just see me as his kid sister. No real bonds will be forged, no opportunities for long-term friendships or new loves will happen. It's an empty friendship. It's an acquaintence. It's utterly worthless.

My friend Hayley wanted to hang out today, but it didn't work out. And I think....why bother? She's moving in a few weeks. I won't see her anymore. Let's get her out of sight, out of mind. It's easier that way. She was my last connection to society. It's over unless I do major changes. And these changes are hard.

My brothers are being very nice in their offers, I will admit that. But dang, I don't want to have to rely on them that much. It will also reinforce their "little baby sister" views on me.

I need some guidance in my life. I am having a hard time convincing myself that it's actually worth my time to go back to college and that I can succeed like a normal person. I want to be a dog groomer, perhaps as a lifelong career. I don't know if I should get a business degree and open up my own grooming place, or go be an apprentice and take a risk by ditching college.

How overwhelming. 

Note to anyone who replies to my entries - sorry if I don't reply all the time. I read every single response I get and consider it. Sometimes I don't have anything to say, or I'm just too flighty to write back. I don't mean to be rude.

My mom always tell me that people make the world go 'round. That most people are good and nice.
This is utter bullshit. Most are not nice at all -myself included.

Those who act nice talk behind your back. Even if they like you. Or they talk about the ones you like and don't see as criticism-worthy.Even the most "goody-goody luv for all!" people do it. People strive on that kind of thing.

Even the people you enjoy being around or seeing can bring you pain. Perhaps you want to form a friendship but they aren't interested. Or no matter how much they chat with you and seem to like you, they seem so far away. I wonder why others talk to me at work and other places, but make no move to meet with me outside, even if I imply it. Or they just suggest it and leave it.

And there is the scenario that I have played in so many times and I am getting sick of - namely, the desire for a new boyfriend. I see the cute guy at work I like every night. I've never talked to him and he doesn't know I exist. I've heard he's such a momma's boy that he's 20 and can't drive, nor does he want to. His parents take him everywhere. He's not interested in girls. I'm shallow and basing this all on looks, but it makes me both excited and devastated when I see him. He's attractive and has an interesting demeanor, but reality sets in and I realize I'll never be in his league. Even if he was more independent of his family, he wouldn't want a fat unattractive bore like myself.

I get tired of hearing that lots of men like fat girls. My main ex told me and another guy told me that. I know there ARE men out there that like fat girls, but there aren't as many as some believe. If it was true, fat would be the "in" thing and it's not.
It's my own fault I'm like this. And I feel as though I lack the motivation and devotion to lose it. I lost 30 pounds and gained almost all of it back. How can I trust myself to keep it off and keep my effort worthwhile?

This loneliness is becoming bad. My two friends are no longer going to be here with me. One moved far away and got married, and she refuses to call me and tell me about her marriage. I haven't heard from her since January. She is angry at me for some reason that I am unaware of, and she refuses to contact me. My one remaining friend in our trio is moving into a dorm this fall. I will never see her anymore either, as she will live much farther away now and will be without a car while on campus. I will finally be totally and utterly alone. I really need help. I don't know what to do anymore.... I'm doing fucked up things like begging some strangers on a dog forum to accept me. I've gone that deep over the edge. Wow....I am so fucked up.
I've been drinking every night, and that's literal. I think that every night these last two weeks, I've gotten drunk or near hammered each night. I recall walking out into my yard one night and sobbing, but it's vague. I'm hung over everyday and very depressed each night. I stay up all night, get online, cry, and get drunk. And then, I get up, go to work, and come home. My life is gone.

Maybe I really should go to the psychiatrist. I need help. I wish it would stop.

I decided to go with a new layout. I think it needed one quite badly.

My dad frustrates me. He is never truly nice to my new dog. He allowed me to get it but it's as if he'd rather die than show he gives a damn about it. You'd think after two months he'd grow a small amount of attachment or concern about him like he had with Dixie, my other dog. Of course not. My dad's too damn stubborn. He'll never act like he actually may like Jimmy even the tiniest bit, just so he can continue to be his bullheaded self.
Even after Jimmy broke it's leg, he said the dog just looked so ugly with the splint on. Didn't even act like he cared that he was hurt. This is coming from someone my mom considers soft towards animals. She's halluctinating or has weird-ass perceptions. Then again, I guess he was rather kind considering how she treats animals. I remember my brothers telling me a story about when they were kids and had a dog that was ourdoors only since my mom hated dogs inside. It was winter and so freezing cold that the dog's paw pads broke open and were bleeding everywhere. My brothers  begged my mom to just let the dog inside for a bit while it healed up. She wouldn't have it. She finally allowed them to put the dog in the basement (which was quite similar to a dungeon, as I lived in that house for 16 years and was freaked out going down there), but with extreme hesitancy.
A dog can't be seen as so dirty that when it's in extreme pain like that, you put your house, particularly your dirty as hell basement with a wet concrete floor, first.
I'm just bitter.

I think he tries to get under my skin by saying things like 'the dog's not happy here with us since we lock it up in a crate all the time'. No matter how much I tell him, he refuses to listen. Most people crate their dogs while they are at work. Jimmy doesn't get crated that much at all anymore since he's almost housebroken. At most, maybe 4 hours a day, which isn't much cage time in a 24 hour duration.

I think I really need to move out. My dogs and I just make everyone miserable. My dad hates my dog, and my mom dislikes me. She told me that I really just need to find a place and get out since she doesn't enjoy living with me anymore. I guess I can't blame her. Who'd want to live with someone with a mental disability, and a "created and imaginary" one at that, or so my dad says. Perhaps I am bringing it on myself. Maybe I'm just unaware that I'm truly an emotional masochist deep down inside.

I'd love to move out. That way I can just go to work and lock myself indoors for the rest of the time with no one to tell me otherwise. I'm tired of others telling me to get out, make friends, boyfriends, etc. It's NOT easy to do. Friends and boyfriends don't come in packages. At least, not cheap ones for us 'poor' people.

Bitchfest concluded.

Life is slowly dragging by. Nothing to do, nothing to hope for. Life is repetitious, and nothing that looks wonderful is as it seems.

Why am I even doing this? What is causing me to stay on this damn planet? Being here  is like running a long race in where winning or losing doesn't matter.

People live their lives. Some live happy lives, other live bad lives. In the end, we all die and that's it. It was for nothing. Why bother finishing this race?

This world is loaded with worthless pieces of shit. And wow....I am very tired of meeting them all.

I want a boyfriend. Can't deny it. There's just something about male companionship that's great, especially when they really like you. I feel silly for wanting one, as many tell me I don't need them. But it's just human nature to want one. How else would our race live on? So yes, that's my excuse for wanting this so desperately.

The guy who slept with me a while back keeps on coming into the Wal-Mart where I work. I thought me may be genuinely interested in me rather than wanting a quick fuck. He seemed interesting enough and I was flattered that such a person would pursue me. He calls me one night and asks me over because he wants someone to cuddle with. He also finally admitted he wants sex. Of course, all the signs that he was just looking for an outlet for his horniness were there. It was apparent to me I would just be used again, because basically everything he said to try to convince me was like a script. I declined. I figured if he truly was interested, he'd pursue. But, he also said he didn't want a relationship at all at the moment.

I love how I was once again fucked over by this dipshit. So literally only a few days later, he talks about this crush he has on his myspace. This crush has now developed into a full blown relationship.

Perhaps it wasn't meant to be, but my mom keeps telling me I lost my opportunity. But the signs of him wanting sex were all there. I don't want to do that just to get a relationship. After all, sex is unpleasant for me, as I sadly discovered. It's painful. I don't understand how some people can enjoy it, because it's so damn unpleasant feeling for me. Perhaps I just didn't like him enough after all to get into it? But it's kinda hard to get into something when a perfect stranger is manipulating you to do it.

It seems like I can't seem to attract normal or good guys. All I get are pedophile Aspies, guys with brain damage, cheaters who just got out of jail, and guys who go out of their way to use you for sex.
I am aware I am just pitying myself, but I honestly feel I am an attractant for the most worthless men you can imagine.

I have a crush on a guy at work. I know nothing about him except his looks. He seems quite bashful but he's very cute. His parents both work there too (yes, that's weird i know). He is on the overnight shift while I'm on days and evenings. So I never even can get a chance to meet him. I'm too shy and fat to go talk to him. I know it's not even worth a try because I'm so damn ugly and boring.

As the title of this entry says, shit happens. And it's been happening a lot lately, and in its most literal form possible.

My parents let me get another dog. They went in half on the $1000 pricetag of this little guy (and yes, I am super grateful to them for this!).
I must say, he's my dream dog. I've been wanting a Chinese Crested for years, and I've finally got one. Jimmy is his name and he's just beautiful. He's got show potential and is certainly breeding quality. Breeding is a future option once I'm more educated....and I mean a lot more.  Because, I'm really having problems with one of the basics of dog owership.

He was housebroken at his old home. He's just over a year old. My Chihuahua stayed housebroken when we got her, so I figured it would be the same for him. Wrong assumption, folks.

I don't think I've ever seen so much shit in my life. Shit on my bed, on the floor, on the rug, on the grass, and on my toes.

The other night, he peed on my bed. I had just gotten a new bedspread too. The urine soaked all the way down to the mattress. I was more than pissed (pun intended), though I know it' s not Jimmy's fault.

So now I'm doing a housebreaking regime. He's crated at night and when I'm at work. But when I'm home, he is literally leashed to me. I have heard distracting him from going in the house and rewarding him for doing it outside is the proper way to do it.

He's a great little dog. I just hope I can successfully achieve re-housebreaking him.

It's time for self-pity.
Wow, it's been a long time since I was here. It seems like the only time I visit this place, let alone actually post something, is when I am hugely depressed or alone. Well, here I am again.

In the few months since I've last posted here I've learned lots of things. Namely, how optimism is one huge waste of time that humans often rely on to get theirselves through the many lies life has to offer.

Life was great least summer. Lost 30 pounds, got a boyfriend, could wear beautiful clothes, and become more outgoing. It's really a shame how things can once again go awry and throw you back into the shitty times.

I've gained thirteen pounds back and my boyfriend, who is now my ex for the second time, was one of the worst mistakes of my life. And wow....maybe things wouldn't be so bad losing them, because I DID gather more male interest which I didn't have prior. But of course, all the guys who show interest stand me up because they are braindead or only want a quick fuck. Really now....I have on who is pursuing me. He comes into my workplace often to talk, and then invites me over. The two times I came over he wanted sex (and I gave it to him, too). And I think he is baiting me with things to get me to come back. "I want to fall in love but am too scared to."  "You are giving into what society tells you if you don't have sex."   I told him that having sex with him repeatedly will make me get attached. He agreed that the same thing would happen with him and things would end horribly. Then why...WHY are you still asking for sex??!!

I felt that all I need was a relationship to be happy. Now I am rethinking things. My relationship with Max was nice at first, but ultimately it was horrible and high maintenance. I can't count how many times he'd made me cry or humiliated me. And now this guy who is pursing me for sex....he's intelligent and nice. I'd like to TRY dating him and forming something later. I'm not trying to pin him down....just try to get to know him outside of fucking each time I go over there.

But now I think....why have a relationship? What good does it do? It won't make me happy. I don't trust anyone anymore. I figure they're out to use me or will end up being a jerk. And plus...relationships seem to take more work than the enjoyment you get out of them. It's hard for me to open up and socialize. And you also have to be good at sex, according to one guy I met. My sex skills are bad and I hate seeing myself naked. Hell, I don't even know HOW to enjoy sex.  So why bother?

And then if a relationship doesn't make me happy....WHAT does? I was thinking about this tonight....what would give me lifelong happiness? I can't think of anything. Even having a good job that makes me lots of money doesn't sound appealing. Having lots of friends doesn't seem appealing. Doing activities I enjoy everyday sounds boring. I think I've come to a point where nothing can make me happy. NOTHING. The only thing that sounds nice is just falling asleep forever and never waking up. Perhaps that's suicidal but it's true. I can't think of anything worth living for.

Hell, even my family doesn't seem worth living for. My parents and I fight so much it would be a benefit for them if I were gone. My eldest brother won't miss me. He never visits us. My other brother may be sad but will get over it. The really screwed up part of this is that I worry the most about my dog Dixie. I know she'll be so sad without me and it makes me want to cry. Maybe she's just like my own child.

I really am screwed up.