Welcome to my pessimism party.

Worries

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 07:37:54 GMT

There are times lately when I am feeling better with my depression,then times I feel down. I am wondering if I am just starting to accept the fact that my entire life will be lackluster and I should just accept what I have. I'm tired of this routine....stay up all night, wake up, go to work, come home, stay up all night, sleep. Nothing is new, everything is predictable. Life is much more boring now that I have absolutely no friends or any relationships. I have that date offer still open for Sunday. I am going to meet him, but I am sure he will be a creep like all the other guys I've dated. Perhaps if he abducts me, maybe it will be for the best. I mean....I don't enjoy life as it is anyways, right? Yes....I'm just being babyish, but sometimes I honestly feel as though the end of this boredom would do me some good.

Lately my eldest brother has been on my mind. I never see him, and he can be a selfish ass who never wants to come around. I really wonder if his situation makes him not want to come around, or if he's truly that selfish. He came out to me a year ago now that he is gay. You'd think at 33 years of age, he would have told my parents. He's still hiding it. I worry that this secret is really ruining his life, or he just doesn't give a damn about me and my parents so doesn't come around. My 21st birthday is coming up in October, so he says he will finally get to see me more. Everything revolves around drinking with him, and that irritates me. What's worse, is that I am becoming the same way! I am escaping life's dredgery by indulging in the bottle all the time. I got hammered last night, and I am in the process of doing it right now! I'm actually teary eyed from alcohol induced saddness. And even though it makes me feel this way....it still makes me feel better. I can't cry without it. I'ts like my tear ducts won't work. But when I have a few beers in me, the emtions just pour out, literally.

I hate that my parents have to be so narrow-minded that they view someone who lusts over their sex as a freak. Even if they view it as a flaw, is that one flaw enought to make you hate someone? This is entirely small minded!

Another worry of mine is my mom. We don't get along. It's partially my fault because I'll admit that I can be a real bitch to deal with. But she has some faults too....she's too invasive. My ex, whom I haven't seen since May, has been communicating her through text messages. She claimed that he texted her first, but i know she's lying. She tries so fucking hard to get us back together, even though I have told her countless times I hate the bastard and just DON'T LIKE HIM. She has this "hope" of us getting back together. I don't want to date someone with Aspergers ever again. It's not his fault, but his social skills suck and he can't love like a neurotypical person can. I think even if he didn't have Aspergers,he's be a total loser still. He thinks he's smart but makes comments that are so damn stupid it made me ashamed to admit I was dating him. My brothers and friends hated him, my parents were too naive to understand. And when I find the child pornography on his computer...that was just disgusting. My brothers and I are smart enough to realize that's a BAD thing and it's illegal and gross, yet my parents say that him looking at naked kids doesn't always mean he's a pedophile. This is ridiculous of them, and it makes me not respect them at all. Sometimes I think they are too stubborn to believe it. But I saw it....little girls between the ages of 8-12 naked or near naked on his computer. He looked at images of nonconsenting kids on his computer, and that's just sick. I still feel like I should call the cops on him. Fucking sicko.

I can't attract normal men. That's why I am pessimistic about my date on Sunday. I will likely get abducted. Oh well.

Indecisive

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 07:36:10 GMT

Some dude in my general area randomly started to message me on myspace and flirt with me. I was really shocked, since my ugliness seems to repel men rather than attract them.
Like at work....they are remodeling the whole store. Lots of young construction guys are there. A couple of my female coworkers are getting hit by some of the cute ones. As expected, I'm not being hit on.

I know my issue is my weight. I'm such a fat fuck that it's enough to just terrify most men. I need to lose 50 to 60 pounds to be at the weight my doctor recommended to me, and even then I'll be bigger than a lot of guys because I am tall and large framed. Though my build allows me to carry my weight better, I really envy smaller girls because their petite bodies are so much cuter, and they seem more fem.

My mom nags me everyday about being overweight. Sometimes I think she's more worried about it than I am. I can go through times when I just don't give a damn about losing weight nor having a boyfriend, yet my mom is the one who must bring it up. Every damn day. It's like...whenever she seems me eat anything, she gets mad. She's not one to talk....she's been dieting the entire time I've been alive. I am sure he weight makes it hard, but she has weight issues herself. She should undersand why it's hard, yet she acts like it's so easy. I love to eat....I can't help it. I wish I could go back to last summer when I lost 30 pounds. Damn, those were happy days.

So this guy who asked me out is just two years old than I.....and of course, I'm freaked out over this. I know I should listen to the alarm bells in my head, yet I hate to throw an opportunity out the window when this guy may actually be decent and someone I may like. I have learned from past mistakes what I should and shouldn't do. Though I am sure in the long run, it will end up being negative. It almost always is.

My stupid ex loser has been texting me too....and texting my mom. She tried hard to get us back together, but I really don't like the guy. Thank goodness she finally is listening to me now. I don't know why she wants me to be with someone I can't stand. I've gotten to the point where looking at a picture of him makes me nauseous. I'm afraid that whenever I meet new guys, they'll perceive me the same way later on. I feel as though I can be that revolting.

I wish I was pretty.

Piercings

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:09:58 GMT

Something I've been really wanting to do these last few months is get some new piercings. So far I only have a few on my ears, my favorite being my prized Industrial.

The thing that stops me is work. Almost every place in retail won't allow it. I've been looking for a better paying job recently anyways, and just to go to someplace that's new and refreshing. I don't mind staying in retail at all. You get to meet lots of different people and it stays relatively interesting. Though one thing I don't like is how many retailers pay you low wages to sometimes degrade yourself for the customers sake. A coworker of mine tends to get hit with a bunch of assholes. She's been cussed out, been called racist even though she's not, and has had customers tried to get her fired. You really don't get paid enough to put up with that....and that's one reason I believe I need to leave this job. I've had my fair share of asses come to my register. I love it when customers get angry at you whenever something is out of stock, or we don't carry something in the store. I myself do not represent the company....don't shoot the messenger.

It's also silly that they won't allow their employees to wear their piercings. To even get one done, you need to leave the jewelry in for at least six weeks, so I can't do it at all right now.
Not everyone likes them, granted. Though I feel that someone has issues if they walk into a store, see someone with piercings, and never shop there again because of it. It doesn't matter if that worker is a very nice person - their shallowness causes them to perceive that person as negative just because of some facial jewelry.
Don' t like the piercings? Don't get one. Just because someone near you has one on doesn't mean they are implying that you should embrace it.

I also find it ironic how Wal-Mart sells nose studs, yet they won't allow you to get one.

I'd love a nose ring, and maybe an eyebrow piercing. Snakebites look awesome too....though I don't think I'm that bold. They probably wouldn't look good on me.

I know the humane society in my area is looking for someone. I'd love to work there, though I'd only be getting 30 hours a week. I want more hours than that. And I'm not sure if they would pay as well. Though I do think it would be a far more enjoyable job than Wally World. I also wonder if they would allow piercings....

I'm getting ready to go into work for an 8 hour day. I"m really tired because I only slept about 5 hours due to bad menstrual pains. My last few nights have been tiresome because the pain keeps waking me up. It's going to be a horrendous shift, but at least I'll sleep well tonight if I'm not in as much pain. I really hope it's better by tonight.....

I really wish tomorrow night was here. I'm off Sunday, and hopefully I'll be able to have a few drinks Saturday night. It makes me feel eons better. I wish I could do it every night. This is bad. I really need to lay off. Too bad the Cymbalta is sucking. I just don't feel like going back to the doctor again. He's trying hard to get me to stop drinking. At least he cares, but right now my priorities are screwed.

Immaturity

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:14:18 GMT

I read a quote one time that said those who strive for maturity are actually the ones who are most immature.
If that is true, then all my attempts have been in vain and have backfired.

I've always tried to have mature standpoints, but perhaps it was like a six year-old trying to act like a 'grown up'.

But I know what I am about to bitch about is immature. I won't lie about it.

The topic of today is family. They are supposed to be the ones who care for you. But sometimes I want to take this concern and shove it back at them. Namely, when I feel my maturity and independence has been subtly pryed.

To my two older brothers, I'm still just the baby sister. This will never change, or so I've heard. They know I have issues, namely with being depressed and having no life or friends.
They offer to let me come hang out with them and be friends with their friends.
I don't want to think I am such a worthless loser that I must go to my siblings to make friends because I'm not interesting or bold enough to make them on my own. I want my own group. His friends will just see me as his kid sister. No real bonds will be forged, no opportunities for long-term friendships or new loves will happen. It's an empty friendship. It's an acquaintence. It's utterly worthless.

My friend Hayley wanted to hang out today, but it didn't work out. And I think....why bother? She's moving in a few weeks. I won't see her anymore. Let's get her out of sight, out of mind. It's easier that way. She was my last connection to society. It's over unless I do major changes. And these changes are hard.

My brothers are being very nice in their offers, I will admit that. But dang, I don't want to have to rely on them that much. It will also reinforce their "little baby sister" views on me.

I need some guidance in my life. I am having a hard time convincing myself that it's actually worth my time to go back to college and that I can succeed like a normal person. I want to be a dog groomer, perhaps as a lifelong career. I don't know if I should get a business degree and open up my own grooming place, or go be an apprentice and take a risk by ditching college.

How overwhelming.

People

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 07:02:28 GMT

Note to anyone who replies to my entries - sorry if I don't reply all the time. I read every single response I get and consider it. Sometimes I don't have anything to say, or I'm just too flighty to write back. I don't mean to be rude.

My mom always tell me that people make the world go 'round. That most people are good and nice.
This is utter bullshit. Most are not nice at all -myself included.

Those who act nice talk behind your back. Even if they like you. Or they talk about the ones you like and don't see as criticism-worthy.Even the most "goody-goody luv for all!" people do it. People strive on that kind of thing.

Even the people you enjoy being around or seeing can bring you pain. Perhaps you want to form a friendship but they aren't interested. Or no matter how much they chat with you and seem to like you, they seem so far away. I wonder why others talk to me at work and other places, but make no move to meet with me outside, even if I imply it. Or they just suggest it and leave it.

And there is the scenario that I have played in so many times and I am getting sick of - namely, the desire for a new boyfriend. I see the cute guy at work I like every night. I've never talked to him and he doesn't know I exist. I've heard he's such a momma's boy that he's 20 and can't drive, nor does he want to. His parents take him everywhere. He's not interested in girls. I'm shallow and basing this all on looks, but it makes me both excited and devastated when I see him. He's attractive and has an interesting demeanor, but reality sets in and I realize I'll never be in his league. Even if he was more independent of his family, he wouldn't want a fat unattractive bore like myself.

I get tired of hearing that lots of men like fat girls. My main ex told me and another guy told me that. I know there ARE men out there that like fat girls, but there aren't as many as some believe. If it was true, fat would be the "in" thing and it's not.
It's my own fault I'm like this. And I feel as though I lack the motivation and devotion to lose it. I lost 30 pounds and gained almost all of it back. How can I trust myself to keep it off and keep my effort worthwhile?

This loneliness is becoming bad. My two friends are no longer going to be here with me. One moved far away and got married, and she refuses to call me and tell me about her marriage. I haven't heard from her since January. She is angry at me for some reason that I am unaware of, and she refuses to contact me. My one remaining friend in our trio is moving into a dorm this fall. I will never see her anymore either, as she will live much farther away now and will be without a car while on campus. I will finally be totally and utterly alone. I really need help. I don't know what to do anymore.... I'm doing fucked up things like begging some strangers on a dog forum to accept me. I've gone that deep over the edge. Wow....I am so fucked up.
I've been drinking every night, and that's literal. I think that every night these last two weeks, I've gotten drunk or near hammered each night. I recall walking out into my yard one night and sobbing, but it's vague. I'm hung over everyday and very depressed each night. I stay up all night, get online, cry, and get drunk. And then, I get up, go to work, and come home. My life is gone.

Maybe I really should go to the psychiatrist. I need help. I wish it would stop.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:50:39 GMT

I decided to go with a new layout. I think it needed one quite badly.

My dad frustrates me. He is never truly nice to my new dog. He allowed me to get it but it's as if he'd rather die than show he gives a damn about it. You'd think after two months he'd grow a small amount of attachment or concern about him like he had with Dixie, my other dog. Of course not. My dad's too damn stubborn. He'll never act like he actually may like Jimmy even the tiniest bit, just so he can continue to be his bullheaded self.
Even after Jimmy broke it's leg, he said the dog just looked so ugly with the splint on. Didn't even act like he cared that he was hurt. This is coming from someone my mom considers soft towards animals. She's halluctinating or has weird-ass perceptions. Then again, I guess he was rather kind considering how she treats animals. I remember my brothers telling me a story about when they were kids and had a dog that was ourdoors only since my mom hated dogs inside. It was winter and so freezing cold that the dog's paw pads broke open and were bleeding everywhere. My brothers begged my mom to just let the dog inside for a bit while it healed up. She wouldn't have it. She finally allowed them to put the dog in the basement (which was quite similar to a dungeon, as I lived in that house for 16 years and was freaked out going down there), but with extreme hesitancy.
A dog can't be seen as so dirty that when it's in extreme pain like that, you put your house, particularly your dirty as hell basement with a wet concrete floor, first.
I'm just bitter.

I think he tries to get under my skin by saying things like 'the dog's not happy here with us since we lock it up in a crate all the time'. No matter how much I tell him, he refuses to listen. Most people crate their dogs while they are at work. Jimmy doesn't get crated that much at all anymore since he's almost housebroken. At most, maybe 4 hours a day, which isn't much cage time in a 24 hour duration.

I think I really need to move out. My dogs and I just make everyone miserable. My dad hates my dog, and my mom dislikes me. She told me that I really just need to find a place and get out since she doesn't enjoy living with me anymore. I guess I can't blame her. Who'd want to live with someone with a mental disability, and a "created and imaginary" one at that, or so my dad says. Perhaps I am bringing it on myself. Maybe I'm just unaware that I'm truly an emotional masochist deep down inside.

I'd love to move out. That way I can just go to work and lock myself indoors for the rest of the time with no one to tell me otherwise. I'm tired of others telling me to get out, make friends, boyfriends, etc. It's NOT easy to do. Friends and boyfriends don't come in packages. At least, not cheap ones for us 'poor' people.

Bitchfest concluded.

Long

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:41:25 GMT

Life is slowly dragging by. Nothing to do, nothing to hope for. Life is repetitious, and nothing that looks wonderful is as it seems.

Why am I even doing this? What is causing me to stay on this damn planet? Being here is like running a long race in where winning or losing doesn't matter.

People live their lives. Some live happy lives, other live bad lives. In the end, we all die and that's it. It was for nothing. Why bother finishing this race?

Loaded

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 04:57:33 GMT

This world is loaded with worthless pieces of shit. And wow....I am very tired of meeting them all.

I want a boyfriend. Can't deny it. There's just something about male companionship that's great, especially when they really like you. I feel silly for wanting one, as many tell me I don't need them. But it's just human nature to want one. How else would our race live on? So yes, that's my excuse for wanting this so desperately.

The guy who slept with me a while back keeps on coming into the Wal-Mart where I work. I thought me may be genuinely interested in me rather than wanting a quick fuck. He seemed interesting enough and I was flattered that such a person would pursue me. He calls me one night and asks me over because he wants someone to cuddle with. He also finally admitted he wants sex. Of course, all the signs that he was just looking for an outlet for his horniness were there. It was apparent to me I would just be used again, because basically everything he said to try to convince me was like a script. I declined. I figured if he truly was interested, he'd pursue. But, he also said he didn't want a relationship at all at the moment.

I love how I was once again fucked over by this dipshit. So literally only a few days later, he talks about this crush he has on his myspace. This crush has now developed into a full blown relationship.

Perhaps it wasn't meant to be, but my mom keeps telling me I lost my opportunity. But the signs of him wanting sex were all there. I don't want to do that just to get a relationship. After all, sex is unpleasant for me, as I sadly discovered. It's painful. I don't understand how some people can enjoy it, because it's so damn unpleasant feeling for me. Perhaps I just didn't like him enough after all to get into it? But it's kinda hard to get into something when a perfect stranger is manipulating you to do it.

It seems like I can't seem to attract normal or good guys. All I get are pedophile Aspies, guys with brain damage, cheaters who just got out of jail, and guys who go out of their way to use you for sex.
I am aware I am just pitying myself, but I honestly feel I am an attractant for the most worthless men you can imagine.

I have a crush on a guy at work. I know nothing about him except his looks. He seems quite bashful but he's very cute. His parents both work there too (yes, that's weird i know). He is on the overnight shift while I'm on days and evenings. So I never even can get a chance to meet him. I'm too shy and fat to go talk to him. I know it's not even worth a try because I'm so damn ugly and boring.

Shit happens

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:05:01 GMT

As the title of this entry says, shit happens. And it's been happening a lot lately, and in its most literal form possible.

My parents let me get another dog. They went in half on the $1000 pricetag of this little guy (and yes, I am super grateful to them for this!).
I must say, he's my dream dog. I've been wanting a Chinese Crested for years, and I've finally got one. Jimmy is his name and he's just beautiful. He's got show potential and is certainly breeding quality. Breeding is a future option once I'm more educated....and I mean a lot more. Because, I'm really having problems with one of the basics of dog owership.

He was housebroken at his old home. He's just over a year old. My Chihuahua stayed housebroken when we got her, so I figured it would be the same for him. Wrong assumption, folks.

I don't think I've ever seen so much shit in my life. Shit on my bed, on the floor, on the rug, on the grass, and on my toes.

The other night, he peed on my bed. I had just gotten a new bedspread too. The urine soaked all the way down to the mattress. I was more than pissed (pun intended), though I know it' s not Jimmy's fault.

So now I'm doing a housebreaking regime. He's crated at night and when I'm at work. But when I'm home, he is literally leashed to me. I have heard distracting him from going in the house and rewarding him for doing it outside is the proper way to do it.

He's a great little dog. I just hope I can successfully achieve re-housebreaking him.

Bitching

Sun, 25 May 2008 05:29:55 GMT

It's time for self-pity.
Wow, it's been a long time since I was here. It seems like the only time I visit this place, let alone actually post something, is when I am hugely depressed or alone. Well, here I am again.

In the few months since I've last posted here I've learned lots of things. Namely, how optimism is one huge waste of time that humans often rely on to get theirselves through the many lies life has to offer.

Life was great least summer. Lost 30 pounds, got a boyfriend, could wear beautiful clothes, and become more outgoing. It's really a shame how things can once again go awry and throw you back into the shitty times.

I've gained thirteen pounds back and my boyfriend, who is now my ex for the second time, was one of the worst mistakes of my life. And wow....maybe things wouldn't be so bad losing them, because I DID gather more male interest which I didn't have prior. But of course, all the guys who show interest stand me up because they are braindead or only want a quick fuck. Really now....I have on who is pursuing me. He comes into my workplace often to talk, and then invites me over. The two times I came over he wanted sex (and I gave it to him, too). And I think he is baiting me with things to get me to come back. "I want to fall in love but am too scared to." "You are giving into what society tells you if you don't have sex." I told him that having sex with him repeatedly will make me get attached. He agreed that the same thing would happen with him and things would end horribly. Then why...WHY are you still asking for sex??!!

I felt that all I need was a relationship to be happy. Now I am rethinking things. My relationship with Max was nice at first, but ultimately it was horrible and high maintenance. I can't count how many times he'd made me cry or humiliated me. And now this guy who is pursing me for sex....he's intelligent and nice. I'd like to TRY dating him and forming something later. I'm not trying to pin him down....just try to get to know him outside of fucking each time I go over there.

But now I think....why have a relationship? What good does it do? It won't make me happy. I don't trust anyone anymore. I figure they're out to use me or will end up being a jerk. And plus...relationships seem to take more work than the enjoyment you get out of them. It's hard for me to open up and socialize. And you also have to be good at sex, according to one guy I met. My sex skills are bad and I hate seeing myself naked. Hell, I don't even know HOW to enjoy sex. So why bother?

And then if a relationship doesn't make me happy....WHAT does? I was thinking about this tonight....what would give me lifelong happiness? I can't think of anything. Even having a good job that makes me lots of money doesn't sound appealing. Having lots of friends doesn't seem appealing. Doing activities I enjoy everyday sounds boring. I think I've come to a point where nothing can make me happy. NOTHING. The only thing that sounds nice is just falling asleep forever and never waking up. Perhaps that's suicidal but it's true. I can't think of anything worth living for.

Hell, even my family doesn't seem worth living for. My parents and I fight so much it would be a benefit for them if I were gone. My eldest brother won't miss me. He never visits us. My other brother may be sad but will get over it. The really screwed up part of this is that I worry the most about my dog Dixie. I know she'll be so sad without me and it makes me want to cry. Maybe she's just like my own child.

I really am screwed up.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 10:02:44 GMT

Some really weird shit has been going on these last few days.

Fourth of July: A good day or a bad day? No matter how much I analyse, I can't ever come to a conclusion!

So I call Max and try to talk him out of coming. Introducing a guy to my family? My strange, perverted family? How...scary!
But he insists that he comes, no matter how boring I tell him the party will be!
And Hayley, my friend, came too. And they've never met. How...awkward.

Say what do I decide to do? Have some drinks to calm my nerves. Oh, McKenzie, McKenzie.....what a bad, baaaad, move, my dear. :(
I did it's job, of course. It always does!
But....I had too much, as usual. When Max got there, I had to convince him to swim. He did, though he's shy and self-conscious (adorable!). I wanted to look at his upper body, but I didn't want to be caught staring. :P

Hayley, Max, and I all played in the pool for a while and had fun. Then we got out, and I stupidly decided to have more drinks to calm my nerves and anxiety. I ended up doing something embarrassing and my mom snapped at me, which made me even more humiliated in front of my friends. At least it wasn't as bad as what my brothers and their friends were doing and saying.

Hayley left, and then Max, my brothers, their friends, and I all went to a bar. I hung out and chatted with Max and Leroy, my eldest brother's friend. My brothers sneaked me two shots which made me high. The, Max and I decided to go to the quick shop to pick up some smokes. I asked him how he liked the atmosphere of the bar once we were in the privacy of the car. He said he was thinking he might get his first kiss tonight. That started off an alarm in my head and I didn't know what to say, so I was like "Ah, I see".
When I got to the quick shop, I picked up some Tic Tacs to freshen my breath in case he tried to do something.

When we got back to the bar, I took my brother and Leroy aside whenever I could, and told them what Max said. They were like 'Do it!'. And I was unsure.
Max and I went outside and started to chat. The conversation got quite interesting and took a more sexual turn. To sum things up, Max said he'd be willing to have sex with me. I said I wasn't ready to yet, but I would consider it. I don't think I will do it for a while. I want to lose weight, the first time having sex hurts, and I don't know if I want to be cheap and easy. I'm not sure if I like him enough to do it with him. I can't help but wonder if this is totally normal guy thinking, or if he is being disrespectful. I am thinking he may be using me to get rid of his virginity.

When we got back home, me and Leroy got in the pool. He was high on my diet pills, which I was stupidly selling earlier ($10 apiece! I made about $100....but that was dumb, and I can't get a refill for 7 days. Money weakens my resolve). He tried to make Max jealous and I was embarrassed, then he told me to kiss Max. Ugh.
Max decided to leave after discussing some odd.....things with Leroy. I followed him out to the car in hopes of maybe getting something. ;) Kissy! But my fucking dumbshit brother, who was passed out moments ealier, rose like a damn zombie and started to follow us to the car. I was like, what are you doing? He said "It's okaaaay", slurring his words and stumbling. I kept trying to get him to go away, but he wouldn't listen. He was SO plastered. He was overly affectionate and hugged Max, and told me to kiss him goodbye, which resulted in more embarrassment. In the end, I didn't get my first kiss.

Now that I think back, maybe I'm relieved. I have such low self-esteem, and the thought of anyone liking me makes me want to gag. I feel like I am so repulsive in both mind and body that I get angry with anyone who likes me. My mom says I'm a moron for thinking that way, but I can't help it. It's the truth. I don't want someone to kiss me because I know they'll be grossed out, and I get anxious and sad when I think about it. I think I may have some major issues to get over. How does one love theirself?

On a happy note, I think I lost another couple of pounds! Yay!

And there is the end of my unneccessarily long and pointless story. I hope you enjoyed the boredom, if anyone was brave enough to read this.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 01:45:33 GMT

Damn, it's been a while since I wrote in this thing.

Tomorrow is 4th of July. Tomorrow is also going to be a bad, baaaaad day....

Recently, I went on my first date ever with a guy from my Japanese class. I was shocked he asked me out since he's actually kinda cute. The date was really awkward and frustrating. I guess all first dates are that way, though.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. I messaged him online and invited him to the 4th of July party at my house tomorrow. I also invited two other friends. I'm scared something bad is gonna happen, because they're both Christian (and believe I am, but I'm not), he hates Christians. If they fight, things will be ugly.
I also don't know how to entertain him, because I'm so awkward around him. I wish I had never invited him. But then again, if I didn't invite him, I may never get to date him again either.
Hmmmm.......

I've also been practicing driving lately and took my test today. I swore I could pass it, but a fucking failed! :( And it was "little" things that made me fail....I should have known them. Well, maybe next time. It sucks to be 19 and not be able to drive.

On a good light, I've lost 15 pounds from my diet. Yes! I'm finally going to have the figure I've always dreamed of!

Good nights gone bad.

Fri, 25 May 2007 08:24:58 GMT

Tonight me and a friend from high school, Mandy, went out. Actually, we went to a graduation at my old high school because an old friend is there.

Lots of interesting things happened.

I wish my senior year had been this year, because this HOT guy from Hong Kong was attending this year. I would have had a cute Asian boy to pursue. Damn my luck!

Me and Mandy went out to eat and talked about shit that I never thought possible. She's totally not the same religious girl anymore. I love the new her.

We went back to my house, had some wine, beer, and cigars.

I had lots of fun up until the last minute. I am honest with people...sometimes too honest. We both have depression issues, so we share shit. I told her that I don't like sleepovers and that they give me major anxiety. Yes, it's a retarded fear, but I can't help it. She said she woudln't ask to say over until I was ready.
Later on tonight, I asked if her she was sober (which was a blanket statement for "When are you leaving?"). She got really pissed, and I tried to explain to her that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I wanted to know when she was goning because I was exhausting (running on 4 hours of sleep), drunk, and still needed to shower. She gave me this silent treatment type thing, even though I apologized. It was nearly 1 in the morning, so that was bad shit to put up with.
Her behavior really upset me, especially since I was honest with her. She went out to her car to get something. I, of course, did something stupid. I went to the bathroom, and started to just cry and sob like crazy. I was upset and couldn't help it. I kept quiet of course, but she knew something was up.
We did make up, but I just feel like shit and like it's my fault for being stupid.

More depressing stories for you all. Yay! :P

PS: Karo-chan, I'll respond to your email soon. I've been lazy.

Cellphone sadness

Wed, 23 May 2007 20:22:56 GMT

I lost my cellphone a couple days ago and I can't find it. I'm so sad and depressed over it. I don't understand how it could disappear or where it could have went. I remember having it on Saturday when I went shopping with my mom. It was low on power so I turned if off and left it in the car. I never took it into any stores with me. I don't remember what happened to it after that. I don't even remember taking it into the house when we got home. My dad says he saw it on the table later that night, and my mom does too. But, it's not there. I can't find it anywhere. It's not in the car, it's not in the house.....I don't know where to look. I hate being without it. And I lost all my friends' numbers! What a shitty situation.

Shitty Friendships

Sun, 20 May 2007 05:20:22 GMT

Sometimes I think I'm a magnet for Radical Fundamentalist Christians. Back in high school, the girl who clung to me was one. And in college, the girl who talked to the most was also one. (haven't heard from her since I got out of college for the summer....).

So recently, my Fundamentalist friend from high school has been buzzing around, but it wasn't so bad this time because she was actually starting to loosen up a bit. She smoked, drank, cussed, and told me about her sexual experiences when she visited me yesterday. A year ago, I would have never thought I'd heard those things come out of her mouth. She stopped by a while back and had some beer and wine with me, but I never thought she'd actually do some of those other things. She was also very open about her depression issues, since we both have those kinds of problems. I must say that I love her new personality. I'm not on pins and needles anymore when I'm around her, nor do I have to put on a "good Christian girl" front. So we had a good time yesterday, but all good things come to an end.

I log into my facebook account and see that I got a message from her. She said she realized the root of her depression -the drinking, smoking, cussing, 'affairs of the heart' (whatever that means). She got an image in her head of God hugging her while she's crying, and she realized that she broke his heart. She is now going to go back living a pure life for him.

Great....just perfect! Here I thought I finally had someone I could totally be myself around, and she goes bye-bye! She's back to her old self now, so I don't even want her around again because it's exhausting. I invited her and another friend to go on another cruise with us this fall, and now I don't even want her to go.

This fucking sucks.

Mon, 07 May 2007 06:16:29 GMT

I got back from my vacation yesterday. It was really nice. There were a lot of 'firsts' on this vacation.

For the first time in my life, I tried Pina Coladas. YUM. One of the best alcoholic drinks I've ever had.

And for the first time in my life, I was able to buy alcohol legally, by myself. I'm going to miss that. I have to wait until I'm 21 here in the States.

Also, for the first time in my life, I drank so much that I had to vomit. It was one of the biggest vomitings I've ever done in my life. My parents said it was because I mixed too many kinds of drinks - beer, sweet stuff, champaign. I vomited onthe first night there, so the rest of the time I didn't really want to drink. What a mistake. At least now I have a good idea of what I can handle and what I cannot.

On the way there, we saw a huge billboard that said "Terrorism" on it, with all this other stuff written on it about the dangers of it. We thought that was hilarious since our Pakistani buddy Saleem was with us. We wanted to take a picture of him in front of it holding a machine gun.

We went to two places in Mexico - Costa Maya and Cozumel. Costa Maya was the more interesting one. I tried jetskiing for the first time, and I got so terrified I burst out crying and screaming and had my brother turn around. I'd never been so scared in my life.
I also got cramps while I was there, so we went to the village doctor (yes, we were at a beach in a little Mexican village). The doctor was OMFG! It was in a shack. It was so horrible looking, that it didn't even look liveable. In the US, it would basically be an adandoned, run-down house. There was a table in there with stirrups on it, and a shelf with all kinds of medicine on it. And guess what we got to buy? Percacet! It's illegal to get in the US without a prescription. Drug dealers sell them for $30 a pill. We enjoyed them for half the trip.
Saleem took one for fun and got REALLY high. He was pointing at kids and laughing at them and just laughing hysterically for no reason. Then on the taxi ride back to the ship, he kept on yelling "Pucha" (Spanish for 'pussy') at all the Mexican women he saw. XD

Sadly, my period didn't end. I have some serious medical issue that must be worked out. My brother was an ass to me the whole trip. I won't miss him at all, but I will miss my dear Saleem. He's a funny and cool guy.

There were lots of cute guys from India working on the ship. All of the staff is foreign. Saleem and my brother tried to set me up with a hot waiter, but he was married and had kids (yuck....).
Saleem got so drunk that he started to talk dirty to me, and asked if I wanted to fuck the waiter. XD Nice.

It was a nice trip overall, even if there was some crazy shit going on.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 08:32:23 GMT

So in a few hours from now, I leave for vacation. Me and my brother, his Pakistani friend Saleem, and my parents are all going on a cruise together. Too bad my other brother has to stay behind. And my dog...I'm so depressed about leaving her that I actually cried, heh....

We're trying to stuff everything into one car, so someone has to sit in the very very back with all the luggage.
It's going to be great. We'll have this big family traveling, with a bunch of suitcases and an 'Arab' dude in the back. That's gonna look really good to passerbys. And we'll have to have double the security check since he's Middle Eastern. Poor guy, but he's used to it.

In 24 hours from now, I'll be in New Orleans. My brothers will want me to hang out with them on Bourbon Street. I went there when I was 14. I had a chance to see some girl's boobs and one guy's wee-wee, but I was too shy to look. Maybe I'll get lucky and a hot guy will show some goods. Wow, I'm perverted....

But of course, I should have known one thing would have to happen on this cruise.... See, history is repeating itself. Back on my cruise I went on when I was 14, my period started horribly. Guess what? It's here again! YAY *sarcasm* I also had a 103 degree fever. Eww..

So my doctor, who is retiring soon, decided to let me having a 2-month supply of birth control pills (again, finally! Oh how I missed them). He claimed my period would be over by the time we left, and I was sure it would be too since the pills DO work well. Well, I leave in a few hours, and I'm having shitty cramps and it's not over at all. It better end soon, or I'm going to be one pissed girl...
I have to get a papsmear when I get back if I want to continue having my lovely pills. I'm terrified to do so, but I have a plan worked out. I'll take a double or triple dosage of NyQuil before I go so I'll be too tired to worry. And when I lay down, maybe I'll fall asleep through the whole procedure. Wouldn't that be great? The doctor does the papsmear, looks up at me to talk, and I'm sleeping. How wonderful!

I'm so going to miss my dog while I'm gone. :( I can't bear to be separated from my 'child' for a week. Oh well, maybe as I'm out in the middle of the ocean, looking at the waves and dolphins, I'll forget her.
But then again, maybe I'll remember her as I am falling to my death as the ship sinks. Wow, pessimism rocks!

Okay, I must be going. Bye bye for now my lovely LJ friends!

Convention

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 07:15:40 GMT

So, me and a couple of friends from my Japanese class planned to go to an anime convention that was happening this very weekend (yes, as in today). So we've been working on costumes and I've been learning how to sew and such. I'm not exactly good at sewing, so they had to do most of the work. I've never really sewed before. So we worked on them, and spent lots of money on material.

Well, on Wednesday in class, I mentioned the convention and asked about the costumes. My friend said she can't go this weekend at all because the got a bad grade in her biology class and her mom is making her stay home all weekend to study. And the way she said it made it sound like it was an afterthought. Okay.....

This irritates me. When there is a huge change in plans like that, I will let the person know immediately! This was a big deal for all of us, and she didn't even bother to contact me about it. And this girl is in college.....surely her mother will let her go to the convention? Her mom is treating her like a high schooler.... Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I'm just annoyed. All that work, money, and planning for nothing. And the way she said it was like she totally forgot about the convention.
And the other person who was supposed to go....he misunderstood and thought it was going on next month and not this weekend.
Okay, it was a mistake on his part, but I think my other friend should have contacted me sooner about it. Or not made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
I just don't understand the mindset of flighty or scatter-brained people.

So, I was the only one left. I decided to go alone to my first anime convention ever.

I didn't expect much, since St. Louis isn't a big major city like New York or Boston. But gosh, it was even worse than my expectations. There were tons of cosplayers, but when I went inside,I was thinking "This is an anime convention, right?" Most of the damn booths consisted of non-anime artwork, Star Trek crap,and other sci-fi stuff. And it was so small that you could hardly move with the crowd that was there.
The venders had hardly any anime stuff. I was expecting to at least find some imported manga, doujinshi, and illustration books. The only imports there were some posters of anime I don't like and figures that cost an arm and a leg.

Some booth had Pocky for sale, and to my delight, the seller was a cute gay guy. There was a guy working with him, and I assume it was his boyfriend. Ah, the fact that I bought this Pocky from a cute gay man makes it taste all the sweeter. Heh...

I also bought some other random stuff, because I didn't want to leave the place empty-handed. Among this was a CD (which I suspect is a bootleg) of a Chinese band called Shine. They do have nice music, though. It was a great blind buy. I also bought the complete set of the Juvenile Orion manga, which looks like it's full of pretty men. That's always pleasant.

But there certainly was a highlight to this trip. The special guest was Vic Mignogna! He plays two of my favorite roles in anime - Edward from Fullmetal Alchemist, and Dark from DN Angel. I got to meet him and get his autograph - twice! I got two copies of his authograph, so that was so awesome. He's the voice actor I wanted to meet the most, and the first one I ever met. Awesome, eh?
I actually thought I wasn't going to get it, because I had to leave and he wasn't around to give autographs at that point. But I checked out one room one more time, because I wanted to see if I missed anything. I heard a voice I instantly recognized. It was Vic! I was so glad, because if I hadn't went to that room one more time, I wouldn't have gotten the autographs.
The girls in front of me in line for autographs were major yaoi freaks. That's the first time I've ever had a long conversation with a yaoi fan. It was so nice. I wish I had friends who liked yaoi.

And when I was there, I saw the Asian guy I met at Best Buy in January. He recognized me and we shook hands. It was cool. Oh, maybe it's destiny that we keep running into each other. Hah, I wish.

And that concludes the lovely convention.

Modems

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 09:28:18 GMT

I woke up this morning to a very wonderful surprise - my computer's modem was going damn haywire! So I call AT&T to find out what's up, and they tell me it's broke. It's always hard to understand the people because they are from India, so their accents are thick, and it pisses me off even more. Hire American people do to those jobs!
Oh well, if people in India are willing to work for a $1.50 an hour versus $20.00+ to sit on their ass and take calls all day, who are they gonna pick? Yeah....

So me and my mom head off to Best Buy (which I affectionately call Best Fuck....I don't know why, LOL). I ask for some second opinions there, and they all tell me it's broke (of course they will, since they want your $$$$$$). We had to buy a different model of the modem since they don't have mine in. And this is where the fun begins....

I already knew I was in for hell. Installing those things is a pain in the ass. So I get home, take the thing out of the box, and hook things up the way I figured was right.
For some reason, the DSL light on the modem was always red, so I was really confused. I then realized I made a really stupid mistake and plugged the PHONE line into the computer and not a phone jack. Good one, genius!
The DSL light started to flash red and green alternately. Confusion again.

Then I installed the disc it came with.That never made the light work right, so I reinstalled it over and over. It took 6 or more reinstallations before I was smart enough to realize that reinstalling it over and over WASN'T going to make the DSL button stay green.

Okay.... I then realized I made another stupid mistake involving the phone jack. Wonderful!
So after fixing that, it stayed green. Yay.... or not.

Because even though it was all green now, it STILL wouldn't connect to the internet! So...Guess what? I had to call those lovely people at AT&T again. At least the Indian guy I got this time was nice, spoke good English, AND solved the problem. So it had a happy ending, even though I figured it woudln't. Isn't that nice?

I also got Peach Girl at Best Buy. It's so pink and it came with a purse. I felt so freaking girly!

The anime convention me and my two friends are going to is coming up. But sadly, I do have some issues. First is, I have no money. :( I will have to use my wonderful manipulation skills to extract cash from my family, Second, one of my friends I am going with is a majorly religious yaoi-hater. I lied to her and told her I was Christian because I felt I had to do so to be accepted. Well, I'm not doing that anymore. If she is truly my friend, she will like me despite my beliefs, right? And if she doesn't, then the friendship wouldn't work out in the long run. As long as I don't press any of my beliefs and values on her,I don't see why she should have a problem being my friend.
I want to buy lots of yaoi doujinshi at the convention, but I am afraid to do so in front of her. I think that she thinks that I hate yaoi, and if I buy yaoi, she may figure out I was lying about being a Christian. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I can't hide it, because we will stick together. She will probably want to see my things I buy, and I am staying the night at her house, possibley. She has two little sisters who may also want to see what I bought....
But she is friends with a guy who is a little perverted and likes hentai. He is going with us. If she accepts him for that, then she should also accept me for my yaoi love......

I'm tired. I need sleep.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 06:16:25 GMT

I really haven't been writing in this thing lately. I guess I got burned out on it for a while.

There have been a lot of changes in me in the last couple of weeks. I think both the counseling and the medicine I am taking are kicking in. It has been so much easier to talk to people and sometimes my outlook is brighter.

A few weeks ago, the thought of me calling someone on the phone was terrifying and laughable. But I find myself wanting to call people. Now, my biggest fear is being too clingy. Perhaps this is how I would have ended up if I never stopped trusting people and I was more bold throughout my life. I always hated clingy people, but perhaps it's actually in my nature to be clingy? Or maybe not. I am so stupid whenever it comes to socializing that I don't know what's right and wrong. It's embarrassing.

I got invited to the house of someone in my Japanese class. Her name is Mercy. Another guy from the class came with is, and his name is Sean. I had so much fun at her house! I wish I could go over there again soon. I still can't drive, and now I know that I really need to just get out there and do it.
The three of us planned to go to a convention this month. We may actually cosplay too! I am gonna go over to Mercy's house again soon and she will teach my how to sew. That will be so interesting. But I am a little afraid that I won't look good in cosplay, with me being really fat and all.
I'd love to call Mercy sometime just to talk, but I feel so silly and weird doing it. I'm not used to it and I am afraid it shows whenever I am calling people. And I fear that she may feel I am strange for just calling out of the blue.
I also learn Mercy my Wedding Peach dvds. I hope she takes good care of them. They are some of the most prized dvds in my collection. In return, she let me borrow her bootleg live-action Sailor Moon dvds. Honestly, it's such a weird show. It's so cheesy that it's actually hilarious and aweful at the same time. I don't know how I am gonna make it through 40+ episodes of it.

I am also working on a history debate paper with a girl named Nancy. I kind of like her and wouldn't mind being friends, but I don't know how to pursue such a thing. I can't believe how damn stupid I am when it comes to making friends like this. I know you can't plan friendships and that they just happen, so how could I be friends with her? It would be weird to just ask her "Wanna be friends?" Ugh!
The debate paper is kind of sucking, though. She will do more of the speaking of I do the writing, which is great for me. I wrote the rough draft and she didn't like it at all, which was so disappointing since I worked hard on it. My brother even said the rough draft was well-written, especially since we have a hard topic.

Racist morons

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 07:39:36 GMT

I heard a rather interesting story yesterday.   My brothers decided to go to a winery with some friends. In this group of friends was Saleem, who is from Pakistan. He's a really nice and sweet guy and I adore him. He's also quite adorable. His laugh is really fem and me and my mom think it really looks gay.....but that's straying off the main point. So, anyways, they took a train to the winery. But on the train ride back, they ran into some trouble. There was a girl and some guys riding in the same section of the train as they were in. The girl goes over to Saleem and asks him rudely where he is from. He says Kirkwood, but she then stated she wanted to know where he was originally from. He said Pakistan and then asked her why she wanted to know, and she said "Well, I don't like the way you talk!". Then, her stupid male friends proceeded to make lots of nasty racist comments about Saleem and called him rude names like sand-nigger and such. My brothers and the other friends step in to defend him, but Saleem tried to make peace and said he was used to these types of things.   And my brother, haha..... He told the girl that he hopes her tits rot off, LOL!!
And, as a result of the fight-in-the-making, they actually had to stop the train. And guess who they kicked off? Not the racist morons who started to fight, but instead Saleem and my brothers. They had to go to the police station. They wouldn't even listen to them when they tried to explain that they didn't do anything.   It's obvious that the owner of the train was racist....not only did he kick Saleem's group off even though they were innocent,but during the better part of the ride, they refused to give him alcohol because of his race.

This story really pisses me off. I cannot stand people who are so damn shallow. They didn't even know Saleem, so what gives them the right to say such things to him? Saleem is a good-natured, friendly guy. Of course, they just jump the conclusion that he's some sort of terrorist. To people like that, color makes you who you are, not your personality and character.
It's a damn good thing I wasn't with them. I may have actually used violence. I would have been soooo tempted to slap that girl.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 07:04:31 GMT

The other night was the first time I went out with some friends since high school. I was totally surprised by the turn of events. I was picturing an evening of eating dinner, talking for an hour, then going home. What I did not expect as that we would go to the gas station, buy cigarettes, and go smoke by the river! I told myself I would NEVER smoke, not even try cigarettes. I was telling Mandy and Hayley that they could do it, but I didn't want to. It turned out that I was the one who was most into it, or so I thought. Still....I think smoking is overrated and I'll probably never do it again. My mom was pissed with me for doing it too.
So after going to the river, Wal-Mart, and driving around some, we headed back to my place to drink. Yeah, I didn't expect that either. And another thing I wasn't expecting was for Mandy to get really drunk. Just a year ago she was insanely relgious, and now she's smoking and drinking with me. What the hell happened?!
I must say, I really LIKE the change.

Ugh, my spring break is over. I have class tomorrow again. I'm a little anxious about what tomorrow will bring.

In the last week, I have been reading a manga called Boys Over Flowers. It's really, really good. Actually, I am loving it more than I thought I would. I'm even saving up to buy the anime for it. I think I can get a good deal for it on eBay. Yay!

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 08:44:48 GMT

I got a voice mail from my high school friend, Mandy, who stopped by the other night. So today I was brave and decided to call back, even though I have a phobia of talking on the phone.    The conversation was actually pretty nice, even if there was some awkward moments.    To make a long story short, I got invited to go out for dinner with her and another old high school friend of mine, Hayley.

I'm nervous about it, of course. I was afraid Mandy would want to stay the night. But I decided to be totally honest with her and tell her that sleepovers make me uncomfortable. She was very understanding, which was awesome. That's one less thing for me to have to worry about, so I should enjoy myself tomorrow....hopefully.

Hayley has never seen my house, so I am sure that she may want to come in after dinner. They are both religious but know that I like yaoi. But still, I don't want them to actually find the yaoi. So I had to do some cleaning in my room tonight.

Damn, I didn't realize how much freakin' yaoi I had until I actually tried to hide it all. It's ridiculous, LOL. Wow.   So, I decided to take all the most gayly explicit dvds and put them in a cabinet. I also had a few hentai dvds to hide too. Shit, this is making me realize how much of a damn pervert I've become.    So whenever I hid all the yaoi and hentai, I examined my DVDs again to make sure nothing 'suspicious' got left behind. My eyes then landed on Kannazuki no Miko. It's the only yuri series I own. I don't want them to find it and get the wrong impression of me (of course, not offense met to gay people at all, but I'm certainly not one :P). But then again,you can't tell it from the covers. If you open it and look at the art inside...uhhh...that could be bad. And then I have some other anime that has some very....interesting covers. Ugh, I'm afraid they may give the wrong impression of me too. I'm picking things to hide permanently, but I don't want to hide all of my stuff. Dang..... I know for a fact they'll be looking through them since they are fascinated by them.
And gosh....I'd say half of my manga is yaoi. I'm trying to hide all the yaoi behind the hetero manga I have, but that's difficult too. Ugh, and I have two shoujo-ai mangas I am afraid they'll find. I'll just hide them amongst the yaoi ones and hope they aren't picked out. Ugh.... I need to find some kind of chest with a key, and lock my stuff away.   Ah, but it's nice to have so much yaoi that it's impossible to hide it all. XD

Oh, and I was in Borders tonight. There was the cute Asian guy in the manga section. He was sooo, sooo adorable.....

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 07:23:52 GMT

I went to my counselor again today. I am really starting to like her a lot. She's very easy to talk to and is very understanding. She is also helping me put things into a whole new perspective. Actually, I feel better about myself as a person because of some of the things she said. She and I actually have a lot in common.

One thing I talked to her about in particular was my dislike of my own personality. I honestly feel that most people would find me boring to talk to because I don't know much about very many things. I don't follow popular bands, actors/actresses, brand names, media, etc.   The only things I really know a lot about are the few things I am interested in (which are very limited). I just feel like I'm so, so uninteresting. But my counselor said she honestly loves the way I talk.   I am not sure what she means by this....maybe it's how I word things, how I sound, or maybe my own views on things are interesting.   It made me feel really good, but I think she may be saying it just to make me feel good. But then again, she sounded genuine. I personally don't think I sound that great. I try to sound halfway intelligent, but I don't think it always works out. Sometimes it actually comes back to bite me.

This counselor may really help me, though. I've been in a bad slump lately. I don't care about anything. My top joys are internet, reading, and shopping. Lately, all of them have been boring me. I had no motivation to do anything, and I've been so bored all the time. My counselor gave me such pleasant feelings today that I feel motivated and interested again.

I think the medicine I am on is making me have strange dreams. Every night I have weird dreams. One in particular kind of disturbed me. The guy from my history class was in it. In my dream, for some reason or another, me and my parents had to take him home from college. On the way there, we stopped at a clothing store. He was in the back, and my mom and I were in the front of the store. I asked my mom what she thought of him, and she said he was definitely interested in me. I thought 'Oh crap, I don't want that.'   So, I had my mom sneak out of the store with me and leave him there. How aweful, huh? I felt guilty because I knew he would be so mad at me for doing that to him, and was wondering how he would get a ride home. So to make myself feel better, I went into a Best Buy to look at computer games where you raise virtual reality fish. WTF???
I think this dream was brought on because I know that I am not interested this guy at all romantically, yet my mom keeps pushing it. I'm so stupid when it comes to dating that I don't know if this guy is actually interested in just friendship or more. If he wants more, I will have to kindly turn him down. I don't mind being his friend, though.    But this dream makes me really want to avoid him.... thank goodness I'm on spring break.

I've also been having really weird other dreams. I took a nap today and had a dream about being on the 44th floor of a tall building and a bunch of weird stuff went on there(I was surrounded by talking dogs and grasshoppers...yeah) . And the other night I head a dream I was at this old 'farm' we used to own, and there was a haunted house there. The house blew up, and the ghost came out in the form of a deer and I was riding it through a field screaming 'The ghost is free!'. WHY do I have such weird dreams?!

I'm really getting excited about my cruise. My only worry is my dog. I'll have to let my brother's friend dogsit her. I know she's in good hands since he loves animals and is looking forward to watching her. I am also worried about seasickness, but I highly doubt that will happen.

I also got some lovely new artbooks in the mail. I really need to cut back on spending money. My whole $200+ I made on eBay is pretty much gone now. I need to find some new stuff to sell. Flea market season is coming up. I need to go find some things I can make a profit on.

Wine

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 05:40:24 GMT

What a lovely day. I got some of my artbooks in the mail. That was happy happy!

My brother invited my parents and I over for dinner. He and his roommate were cooking steak and river potatos for us. It was pretty good, but I did something silly that I shouldn't have.   Whenever my brother cooks for us, he always gets some new wine for me to try. The one he bought for me tasted like absolute crap (think it was called Porta or something like that....ick). I tried another one which I cannot remember the name of. It was dry wine, so it tasted even worse. It practically burned my throat.

But then, they let me try a French (?) wine called Mead. This one wasn't so bad. I'm very picky with any type of alcohol since most if it tastes bitter to me. Even the sweetest ones with a 'small alcohol taste are nasty to me. I'm very sensitive to the taste. But Mead....it wasn't so bad. It didn't taste delicious or anything, but it was tolerable. Instead of being made from grapes or other types of fruit/berries, it was made from fermented honey.   I polished off almost the entire bottle by myself.
I'm still feeling the effects from it. For a while, I was half drowsy, half giddy.   Once again, I stayed drunk for a long time. I think it was because the wine was interacting with my medicine. My brother and his roommate took the same exact medication as I did, and they drank while they were on it. They also experienced weird feelings because of it. I hope it's not too unhealthy....I like to drink once in a while.

Oh, and before I went to my brother's place, I stopped by Borders. I could kick my own ass for doing so now....I spend a little over $100 on manga. I had to say 'bye-bye' to some more of my eBay money. I'll miss it. :(
Well, I better find more things to sell! I need to save money for the cruise. I can legally get in bars there, and I can gamble in the casinos! Oh, it'll be fun!!